This is brilliant, Bette. You've filled in the gaps in my understanding of true gaslighting. Boy, I've known a few in my time. I wish I had known its extent back then. It might have helped my sanity a bit ;)
It’s like you’ve taken a magnifying glass to the surreal, often frustrating dynamics that so many of us experience in the workplace but struggle to articulate.
A perfect example of gaslighting that comes to mind is Medium, but we won't go there LOL.
We can’t always control the environment we’re in, we can control how we respond to it. And setting boundaries with the swooner, while still approaching them with empathy feels like a compassionate yet firm way to handle those tricky relationships.
Sadly, this type of behavior happens in a lot of organizations. I faced a lot of it while working in higher education. On the surface, the behaviors don’t seem that bad, and people might think you're being petty or wonder what’s wrong with you.
But it’s so much more nuanced than that, and it’s orchestrated in many different ways over time. That’s when it becomes a real problem. You do start to question your own reality and wonder, maybe I got this wrong. Then you have to shake yourself out of it and remind yourself, No, I’m not wrong here. But that’s the power of gaslighting.
I had no idea where gaslighting came from, I understand the term and use it though, I had just never considered it's origin. Keeping receipts is an absolute must, it's such a shame you need to cover your arse in the workplace but it is an undeniable fact that that there are people who will take advantage for their own purposes.
Documenting everything becomes a must when you work with these types of individuals. Unfortunately, the reality is that for things to truly get better, you often need to transfer departments or find another organization altogether.
My documenting everything is more from a place of knowing, if I don’t document it, I won’t remember it, but that has been useful so many times in the past. I can give you dates, times and all of the notes from any given day. I can tell you which company vehicle I drove and the milage on it and if there were any new scratches on the vehicle before I started driving it, then I can give you pictures of said scratches.
People call me anally retentive, but I have gotten out of a speeding ticket by keeping good records, countless examples of being able to prove other things. I can’t recommend a good accountability system enough. I just use Excel at the moment but I have no doubt at some point in the future if and when we are allowed to use AI in our job this will be not only commonplace but so much easier.
I think you are right. It’s going to be so much easier tracking all this data that everyone will be expected to log it in some fashion. That's pretty impressive you were able to get out of speeding tickets. I'm curious what documentation allowed that to happen?
So we work in different areas, and drive pool cars, a car got a speeding ticket in an area I usually work, I just looked up the date and time the ticket was received and I was driving a different car. I didn't have to prove who was driving it, just that I wasn't. Someone else admitted it in the end but had I not have kept any records I would have probably just assumed it was me from the area the ticket was received.
There was a picture of the car on the ticket but you couldn't see the driver due to glare.
I married a narcissist, so I'm very familiar with gaslighting. However, I didn't know the term's origin, so thanks for that. Making one doubt their sanity is a cruel trick these monsters use to their advantage and our detriment. The fact it happens in the office isn't surprising. But no one should have to endure such cruelty.
So sorry, Paul – that must have been brutal to deal with. People like that can really make you start questioning your own sanity.
It’s interesting how, many times, the person running around buying into it all is many times the one benefiting the most—whether it's special hours or other types of favoritism. There are people who legitimately have to play along to survive because they need the job and the money, but I’m talking more about the ones who go all in because they’re benefiting more than anyone else.
Bette this was a fascinating read! I loved the ‘origin story’ of the term gaslighting. It makes perfect sense! I have seen this often, just repeat the lie until others begin to question their own recollection. Very interesting indeed, and scary!
My favorites: 1) The goal is simple: they want to keep you in the dark so you can't challenge their authority or derail any plans in the works. 2) If anyone dares to challenge the status quo, they risk becoming a target themselves. 3) As Tom Clancy said, “The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.” (Wow. This is a keeper!)
This is brilliant, Bette. You've filled in the gaps in my understanding of true gaslighting. Boy, I've known a few in my time. I wish I had known its extent back then. It might have helped my sanity a bit ;)
It’s really too bad we have to go through so many experiences to be able to appropriately deal with them all isn’t??? Happy Wednesday Marcia ;)
Nice one, Bette.
It’s like you’ve taken a magnifying glass to the surreal, often frustrating dynamics that so many of us experience in the workplace but struggle to articulate.
A perfect example of gaslighting that comes to mind is Medium, but we won't go there LOL.
We can’t always control the environment we’re in, we can control how we respond to it. And setting boundaries with the swooner, while still approaching them with empathy feels like a compassionate yet firm way to handle those tricky relationships.
Sadly, this type of behavior happens in a lot of organizations. I faced a lot of it while working in higher education. On the surface, the behaviors don’t seem that bad, and people might think you're being petty or wonder what’s wrong with you.
But it’s so much more nuanced than that, and it’s orchestrated in many different ways over time. That’s when it becomes a real problem. You do start to question your own reality and wonder, maybe I got this wrong. Then you have to shake yourself out of it and remind yourself, No, I’m not wrong here. But that’s the power of gaslighting.
You are so right - this is why I Iove keeping my circle nice and small :)
Not a bad strategy!!! 😊
I had no idea where gaslighting came from, I understand the term and use it though, I had just never considered it's origin. Keeping receipts is an absolute must, it's such a shame you need to cover your arse in the workplace but it is an undeniable fact that that there are people who will take advantage for their own purposes.
Documenting everything becomes a must when you work with these types of individuals. Unfortunately, the reality is that for things to truly get better, you often need to transfer departments or find another organization altogether.
My documenting everything is more from a place of knowing, if I don’t document it, I won’t remember it, but that has been useful so many times in the past. I can give you dates, times and all of the notes from any given day. I can tell you which company vehicle I drove and the milage on it and if there were any new scratches on the vehicle before I started driving it, then I can give you pictures of said scratches.
People call me anally retentive, but I have gotten out of a speeding ticket by keeping good records, countless examples of being able to prove other things. I can’t recommend a good accountability system enough. I just use Excel at the moment but I have no doubt at some point in the future if and when we are allowed to use AI in our job this will be not only commonplace but so much easier.
I think you are right. It’s going to be so much easier tracking all this data that everyone will be expected to log it in some fashion. That's pretty impressive you were able to get out of speeding tickets. I'm curious what documentation allowed that to happen?
So we work in different areas, and drive pool cars, a car got a speeding ticket in an area I usually work, I just looked up the date and time the ticket was received and I was driving a different car. I didn't have to prove who was driving it, just that I wasn't. Someone else admitted it in the end but had I not have kept any records I would have probably just assumed it was me from the area the ticket was received.
There was a picture of the car on the ticket but you couldn't see the driver due to glare.
Wow - well, score one for being so detailed!
I married a narcissist, so I'm very familiar with gaslighting. However, I didn't know the term's origin, so thanks for that. Making one doubt their sanity is a cruel trick these monsters use to their advantage and our detriment. The fact it happens in the office isn't surprising. But no one should have to endure such cruelty.
So sorry, Paul – that must have been brutal to deal with. People like that can really make you start questioning your own sanity.
It’s interesting how, many times, the person running around buying into it all is many times the one benefiting the most—whether it's special hours or other types of favoritism. There are people who legitimately have to play along to survive because they need the job and the money, but I’m talking more about the ones who go all in because they’re benefiting more than anyone else.
Bette this was a fascinating read! I loved the ‘origin story’ of the term gaslighting. It makes perfect sense! I have seen this often, just repeat the lie until others begin to question their own recollection. Very interesting indeed, and scary!
Yes both of those and sad how easily people can be swayed or convinced.
My favorites: 1) The goal is simple: they want to keep you in the dark so you can't challenge their authority or derail any plans in the works. 2) If anyone dares to challenge the status quo, they risk becoming a target themselves. 3) As Tom Clancy said, “The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.” (Wow. This is a keeper!)
I know isn’t that the truth too!
Thank you for this
Thanks Tabitha - glad it resonated. It can be hard to put words to what is happening because it can be so subtle sometimes.