The New Gaslighting at Work - Dismissive Leaders and Swooning Followers
Reasons why it happens and how to handle it
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Workplaces can sometimes feel like Alice in Wonderland, where logic takes a backseat and things never quite seem as they should be. Some employees juggle expectations, others pull off impressive feats. Then there’s the leader who dismisses any concerns, insisting everything is fine, even as things spiral out of control, and you watch people tumble down the rabbit hole—again and again and again.
And then there’s always that one employee, the swooner, who gets completely caught up in the strange world, convinced that every twist and turn is just part of the plan.
They buy the story. They believe the narrative, and become the cult of positivity. They’re completely charmed by the gaslighter, and turn starry eyed while clinging to every word as if it’s the gospel. If you’ve ever witnessed this, you know what I’m talking about.
But, why does this happen?
The puppet masters of the office
The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 play Gas Light (later adapted into films in 1940 and 1944). In the story, a man manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity by subtly dimming the gas lights and insisting nothing has changed when she notices. The tactic of making someone question their perception of reality became known as "gaslighting" and is now used to describe similar forms of psychological manipulation that can also happen in the office.
And does.
Imagine a leader who denies things they’ve said or done, no matter how clear the evidence. They spin tales, reframe history, and insist they never agreed to a particular course of action. Or they talk in circles, constantly changing their story and creating confusion. They pick and choose which answer they respond to, ignoring all of those requiring honest feedback.
These are all classic signs of gaslighting in the workplace.
Believing the impossible
Gaslighting isn’t always just repeating lies, it’s also denying access to information that could expose what they don’t want you to know. This common tactic is known as strategic obstruction: dismissing concerns, creating unnecessary hurdles, and refusing to act until reality forces their hand.
I once had a meeting with senior leadership where I explained why I needed login privileges to certain digital files. The director of the unit refused, citing quality control issues and how they didn’t have the authority to make the decision without it being put to a vote. Even though I explained how this caused unnecessary hardship for everyone, I was told I was making a bigger deal out of it than necessary.
Denying reality - check
Ignoring concerns - check
Dismissing the hardship it caused - check
Fabricating reasons why they couldn’t change the procedure - check
Surprisingly, months later, when the university implemented new software that would have massively overburdened the director’s office without the changes I had previously requested, I was immediately granted the permissions I had asked for earlier. No further votes needed.
It’s here where the gaslighter’s skill in repetition comes into play. This constant distortion of reality relies on a psychological phenomenon known as the Illusory Truth Effect. The more a statement is repeated, the more people believe it, even if it’s false.
Gaslighters thrive on this.
When a leader constantly insists something isn’t happening, employees may start questioning their own recollection, even if they know what they heard. Over time, repetition makes the lie feel like the truth, and the office becomes a stage where gaslighting isn’t just a tool—it’s the entire script.
It isn’t just that the person who blatantly lies. It’s far more nuanced.
Like lemmings off a cliff
Transparency and open communication are not something they are interested in. They aren’t playing by the same rules as the rest of us. Logic and reason don't work on them, and they are not interested in constructive criticism. Or real solutions for that matter.
I worked at an institution once where we were told we’d be moving to a new budget model. When we asked, the administration assured us nothing was changing and they were just gathering feedback. A few months later, the new system was set to be implemented without prior warning. Classic gaslighting. We were led to believe nothing was happening, only to be blindsided by a sudden shift.
The goal is simple: they want to keep you in the dark so you can't challenge their authority or derail any plans in the works. The more you question yourself or believe what they are telling you, the less power you have. They win by making you feel like you’re losing. Or by giving you just enough hope that things are getting better to make you believe nothing is really changing.
This slow erosion of trust mirrors the Broken Windows Theory in criminology. It’s the idea that ignoring small acts of disorder encourages bigger ones. When minor manipulations, denials, and reframed realities go unchallenged, they snowball.
It creates a culture where people are afraid to address real issues. Instead of accountability, blame gets shifted to other departments whenever things go wrong. If anyone dares to challenge the status quo, they risk becoming a target themselves. The paranoia and fixation on scapegoats only serve as distractions from the real problem: leadership is the one creating this twisted psychological minefield with their lack of transparency.
Remember the movie Office Space where management is more concerned about whether employees are using the right cover sheets for the TPS reports. Rather than effectively managing, the focus is on trivial details and micromanagement.
It's a perfect example of how, when you don't deal with the root issues, employees are blamed, and it creates a culture of inefficiency and disengagement.
Why it happens
Gaslighting often stems from a deeper psychological mechanism known as cognitive dissonance. Essentially, when someone’s actions don’t align with their self-image or the one they wish to project, they go to great lengths to justify it. The gaslighter may not want to admit they made a mistake or that they’re failing to lead effectively. Instead. They manipulate the situation by blaming others for the concerns being raised, continually absolving themselves of any responsibility.
Take Uber, for example. In 2017, former engineer Susan Fowler exposed the company's problematic culture, revealing how leadership downplayed serious complaints of harassment and discrimination. When Fowler raised concerns, HR gaslit her by minimizing the severity of the problem and defending the company's actions.
This is a textbook case of how cognitive dissonance and self-preservation drive gaslighting. Uber’s leadership ignored the situation to maintain control and protect their image. As a result, they faced significant public backlash and legal repercussions.
Gaslighters often convince themselves that bending reality is necessary for the “greater good” of the company or team. They see themselves as righteous leaders with a moral licensing. Their distortions of events don’t feel unethical but necessary and strategic. If an employee pushes back, the gaslighter doubles down, believing that deception is justified as long as it serves their version of success.
Somehow, the legitimate concern you’ve laid out is your fault. Or you’re misremembering what happened, or exaggerating the issue.
When blame shifts and everything gets twisted
I once worked under a department head who flat-out refused to look at the enrollment data showing why our program’s enrollment was declining. The numbers were clear—two faculty members were consistently driving students away with their rigid, outdated teaching methods in intro courses.
But instead of addressing the issue, my boss did what gaslighters do best: deflect. Not once, but twice, they threw me under the bus, blaming me for the decline when reporting to two different deans. Never mind that I was the one advocating for real solutions. The data didn’t fit their narrative, so they ignored it until they couldn’t. But not until after I was fully investigated for the accusations.
When a leader is more interested in protecting their ego than in fixing the problem, truth becomes collateral damage.
While a gaslighter may see this as self-preservation and their need for control, it creates a tornado of misunderstandings, frustration, and uncertainty for everyone else. And that’s where the swooner comes in.
The employee enchanted by the manipulation
The swooner is an individual who doesn't just endure the gaslighting. They fall for it. They buy the false reality the leader is selling. They willingly play their part in the charade. They agree with everything the gaslighter says, even when it contradicts the facts.
Why?
Because they crave approval, or maybe they see it as a way to stay in the leader’s good graces.
The swooner is the employee who nods along, unsure of themselves but desperate to fit in. They’ll deny the obvious even when someone points it out because their leader is telling them something different. They become loyal to the tale being spun, not the facts.
They’re caught in a cycle of validation-seeking, and the gaslighter feeds that need, reinforcing the illusion.
They run around the office defending the leader, agreeing that left is right and down is up. They quickly dismiss others' concerns and question why anyone thinks they know more than the leader. It’s exhausting to watch, and at some point, you really do begin to wonder if maybe it’s you who’s got it wrong.
Managing the gaslighter and the swooner: a two-part strategy
So, what do you do when you’re caught in this sci-fi office drama? How do you deal with a gaslighting leader and the employee who’s too enamored by the manipulation or benefiting from it themselves to see it for what it is?
👉 For the gaslighter boss: Managing this type of leader requires you to stay grounded in your perspective. They will twist facts to suit their needs, but you can always fall back on your version of events.
Keep records. Document everything. Gaslighters love to deny, so having proof of what was said and done can save you from a lot of confusion.
Stay firm. When challenged, don’t get emotional. Stick to the facts. Resist the urge to engage in their mind games.
Seek allies. Gaslighters often try to isolate individuals. Don’t let them. Talk to trusted colleagues, compare notes, and make sure you’re not the only one questioning what’s going on.
👉 For the swooner employee: This type of person needs some delicate handling. They’re not usually being malicious, but they’re in deep. Here’s what you can do:
Encourage independent thinking. They need to regain their sense of autonomy. Gently challenge their assumptions and encourage them to think for themselves.
Build their confidence. They crave approval, so help them find validation in the truth — not in pleasing the gaslighter.
Set boundaries. It’s not your job to take off their gaslit rose colored glasses. So make sure to limit your interactions with them if necessary.
Protect yourself
Gaslighting and swooning both stem from insecurity. One seeks to distort your experience, while the other aims to please in the face of it. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free. Remember: your reality is your most valuable asset. Keep it close.
Ultimately, dealing with both gaslighters and swooners comes down to establishing clear boundaries and maintaining a firm grip on what’s real.
If the culture continues to feel intolerable and misaligned with your values, it might be time to reevaluate whether staying in your current position is worth it. Unless leadership changes or a significant shift occurs within the organization, the behavior is unlikely to change.
In workplaces where logic often seems to take a backseat, we’re left wondering what’s really happening and what’s just smoke and mirrors. The constant cycle of chaos, coupled with dismissive leadership, makes it hard to differentiate sometimes.
As Tom Clancy said, “The difference between reality and fiction? Fiction has to make sense.”
This is brilliant, Bette. You've filled in the gaps in my understanding of true gaslighting. Boy, I've known a few in my time. I wish I had known its extent back then. It might have helped my sanity a bit ;)
Nice one, Bette.
It’s like you’ve taken a magnifying glass to the surreal, often frustrating dynamics that so many of us experience in the workplace but struggle to articulate.
A perfect example of gaslighting that comes to mind is Medium, but we won't go there LOL.
We can’t always control the environment we’re in, we can control how we respond to it. And setting boundaries with the swooner, while still approaching them with empathy feels like a compassionate yet firm way to handle those tricky relationships.